


Of Slapstick and Touching Emotional Conversations

by cartesiandaemon



Category: The Order of the Stick
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-16
Updated: 2018-12-16
Packaged: 2019-09-20 08:24:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,003
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17019177
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cartesiandaemon/pseuds/cartesiandaemon
Summary: After the Roy is resurrected and the party are reunited, they seek a random encounter before departing on the ship to the western continent.In which Roy is not meticulous, Durkon isn't taken for granted, Haley doesn't search for gold, Vaarsuvius cares what people think, Elan isn't useless, Blackwing isn't forgotten, and Belkar listens to reason.





	Of Slapstick and Touching Emotional Conversations

**Author's Note:**

  * For [EcclesCake](https://archiveofourown.org/users/EcclesCake/gifts).



Hinjo and the paladins had gone to make sure the ship that would take the Order of the Stick to the western continent was ready, and the order were traipsing through the woods towards the coast scouting for potential enemies.

"But we were already at the coast," complained Elan. "Why do we need to cut through the woods to get to somewhere we already were? You always said we WEREN'T supposed to go round in circles."

"We're looking for a random encounter, sweetie," explained Haley. "We're overdue for some XP as a party before we go on to the next book. But just like you taught us, we have to pretend we don't know that or it won't happen."

"But I WAS pretending I didn't know!" protested Elan. "That's exactly the sort of thing I say when I don't understand why we're doing something. But..."

"Can we please cease this endless jabbering," interrupted Vaarsuvius. "Far be it for me to defer from statistics to our bard's poorly-filtered impulses, his not-thinking technique does seem to produce results in this situation, however inadvertently. Elan, I put it to you, is there any other way you think we can help bring about the fate we endeavour to meet?"

"Tempting fate like that usually does it," said Elan. "But after months of siege and Roy being dead and highly contrived aquatic hijinks, I think the story needs some closure on all that more than we need another random encounter."

"Aye, lad," replied Durkon, "I agree wit ye, thar's a lot we be needin' ta catch up on still. But ye put yer finger right on tha problem wit that, we've encountered e'ery aquatic encounter thar is ta encounter an' then some, so if we be needin' ta fight an encounter o' two afore tha boat journey, we be needin' ta fight somethin' tonight. Tha recap wit touching emotional resolutions c'n happen tomorrow once we've cast off t'gether."

"That is the logic I was endeavouring to expound, albeit apparently ineffectively," elucidated Vaarsuvius. "However, it is now getting dark. I think if we were going to be ambushed on the march we would have been by now. Perhaps chance will change in our favour and we will be ambushed in the night."

"Right!" announced Roy. "You heard the elf. Make camp."

"I SAID," announced Vaarsuvius loudly, "IF WE WERE GOING TO BE AMBUSHED ON THE MARCH WE WOULD HAVE BEEN BY NOW."

"Well done, V. That's the dramatic spirit. Keep it up," urged Elan.

"I don't think that's going to do it now," said Roy. "Let's get on with any downtime activities and stop tempting fate before it bites us in a way we didn't expect."

The party looked around the dark woods hopefully, but teeth and claws didn't suddenly boil out of the darkness at Roy's last taunt, and they reluctantly set to making camp.

* * *

An hour later, Roy was sitting on a tree stump near the camp fire, waving his sword precisely through the air. An eldrich green energy didn't crackle in the air behind it. He repeated the gesture. It became observably not at all more harmful to undead.

"Dinnae worry, lad. Ye'll figure it out, jus' like that Spellsplinter feat ye invented after yer death," said Durkon reassuringly. "Ye remember ye had ta practice fer ages afore ye got tha hang o' it, afore ye stopped snappin' at e'ery one o' us e'ery time we spoke ta ye."

"Oh no," broke in Elan. "Practice won't help with something foreshadowed as much as that has been. You'll be able to use it effectively again but only at the most dramatic possible moment. Or funniest possible moment, in some cases."

"Elan!" chided Roy sharply. "We can't rely on that sort of blundering any more, we might have to fight Xykon at any moment, and we need our best combat abilities actually working on cue!"

Elan flinched from Roy's aggreived outburst, but bounced back resiliently. "No, look. Let me show you!" Elan grabbed his lute and began helpfully casting an illusion of their inattentive yet dread lich nemesis.

"No, no, that's ok--" protested Roy weakly, guilty from his earlier outburst, but Elan wasn't to be stayed, and a ghostly translucent figure of the evil lich appeared in the clearing in front of them, the edges of the illusion wavering in and out of visibility.

"I've been practicing," Elan announced proudly. "Watch this!"

The Xykon illusion lent forward waving a spectral hand near Roy's face. "I'm not touching you," it announced proudly in a parody of Xykon's grating evil voice, accidentally waving its hands right through Roy's head.

"GET OFF!" the warrior shouted, bringing his sword round sharply through the illusory figure. Elan stumbled backwards in further disappointment, on the verge of sobs, and the illusion popped like a soap bubble of lost concentration. But the rest of the party were staring at Roy's sword, which had finally produced the anti-undead-focussed green energy he'd been trying to summon on cue for too long, trailing behind in its wake as it burst through the dissipating illusion.

Roy regarded his sword, stunned, and began massaging his forehead tiredly. "I'm so sorry, Elan. I didn't mean to shout at you. It's just this is SO important for fighting Xykon effectively, and it felt like everyone was just messing about."

"That's ok, Roy!" said Elan chirpily, "I know you weren't really annoyed with me."

"More or less," grunted Roy.

"I knew making you angry would help, and even though I'm your best friend, I knew that I was the best person to do that!"

"You can say that again," muttered Belkar cynically.

"Tha kid's right, tho," explained Durkon. "We thought 'twas mebbe somethin' ta do wit yer state o' mind, but we wanted ta investigate tha possibility o' a physical trigger as well. That thar was a useful experiment."

"Maybe so," complained Roy wearily. "But we still need to start figuring this stuff out BEFORE someone does something stupid and someone loses their temper. If we're not going to get killed again and have everyone else hand Xykon the victory while we're waiting to get resurrected!"

"Thar, thar, lad," said Durkon gently, patting his shoulder. "Yer quite right."

He made an emphatic facial expression at the rest of the team. "Och, that's makin' me think, Haley, Belkar, we've been walkin' this route but we've been a wee bit lax at scouting, ye want ta go out an' see if ye c'n find tha random encounter we were wantin' lurkin' nearby? And Elan, tha illusion o' yers was really good, why na ye do some more illusion practisin' with V? I'll stay here an' talk things o'er wit Roy."

"I don't think Vaarsuvius really needs more practise, but ok."

"No way," objected Belkar. "We won't get solo encounters at this point any more. If there's a level appropriate encounter for the group out there somewhere it'll either stumble right into the four of you while we're separated, or else it'll mop the floor with me and communist top barbie over there. I've been annoying Roy for years, but somehow when Elan does it it's 'useful'."

"That's ok, Belkar," said Haley. "I'll just go and look for some level appropriate treasure, I mean monsters, myself."

"Wait, you do think you'll find something you can tackle by yourself? Maybe I should come along after all, make sure you don't run into any trouble. And by 'trouble' I mean, getting your throat slit because you found some gold you forget to share with the rest of the scouts."

"No, no, I just mean, it's always possible. We're in the middle of the forest, are we likely to run into any... bears with a hoard of gold pieces or something?"

"Well, maybe we are!"

"Oh very well," sighed Haley, with a wink at Durkon. "Come if you must." And Belkar trotted after her, as she tumbled around trees and up trunks, checking for traps, gold, enemies or (as best she could) tracks.

"Shall I make another illusion of Xykon for you?" Elan was asking Roy.

Durkon nodded hurriedly. "That's a good lad. Aye, do that." He held up a hand to still Roy's objection. "Just haf it stand thar, tho'. Na taunting."

The illusion reappeared, and Elan and Vaarsuvius walked over to distant part of the clearing. Behind them, Roy continued complaining that as soon as something fell into place, the team seemed to take two steps backward into bickering.

And Durkon was saying, "Yer already figurin' this out lad, ye jus' need ta keep at it an' ye'll haf it afore long. Dinnae worry yersel' about tha rest o' tha party. They na be such a mess any more, ye dinnae need ta prod them all tha time, they'll come through when it matters, ye'll see. Now, dinnae ye wan' ta attack tha illusion a wee bit more, see if ye c'n na be angry at it?"

* * * *

Elan and Vaarsuvius settled down to talk quietly on the other side of the clearing. Elan sitting cross-legged on his bedroll, and Vaarsuvius floating a few inches above the ground.

"Your mastery of illusions, while far from complete, has proceeded further than I'd previous expected-- uh, that is, its improvement has impressed me with your ability and dedication."

"Thank you V!" Then Elan paused for a moment in contemplation. "You've been a lot nicer the last couple of days, you know that?"

Vaarsuvius cocked their head at that. "I suppose I have been," they said thoughtfully, weighing Elan's statement and deciding he hadn't intended to be malicious.

"I went through a lot," they explained. "You've heard some of it. But I realised that despite my varied learning, I, uh, well... I may have been a bit oblivious about, in point of fact, the majority of ethics."

"It's ok, V," said Elan, reaching out to pat their knee gently. "Look at me! I'm oblivious about lots of stuff, but you all helped me figure it out. We'll help you, too!"

Vaarsuvius' face twitched involuntarily, as though comparing their compassion to Elan's competence wasn't the sort of comparison they found positive, but they smiled. "Thank you, Elan, that means a lot to me," and then a moment later, "And I think it would help a lot, actually." And then, after a longer pause, they continued with some effort, "how do you think I could be more nice?"

Elan brightly began offering advice, without apparent judgement. "Have you tried saying nice things to people?"

"Uh, well--" began Vaarsuvius. "I guess, no, I haven't. That does seem like the first idea which I should have considered. I shall strive to do so henceforth,"

"That sounds good, V. How about hencefirst?"

"Uh."

"Right now! Why don't you say something nice about me?" Elan asked hopefully.

Vaarsuvius' stared stunned for a moment like a rabbit in the headlights, but then they managed to marshal their thoughts. "You... You always believed the best in me, even when everyone had every reason not to," they managed. And then, warmed up, continued. "Like you're helping me right now. Do you believe any of the rest of the party would be able to set the time aside to talk to me like this, without making fun of me?"

Elan wiped away a little tear. "Aw, thank you so much, V." His voice caught. "I-- I knew you loved me, really."

Vaarsuvius wouldn't have put it exactly like that, but they couldn't argue with the sentiment. "Indeed."

"OK, ok, that's enough about me. Do Roy next!" bubbled Elan.

"That's almost too easy," said Vaarsuvius. "Despite-- No, no, I can do this without 'despite'. Let us say without caveat, Sir Greenhilt's stalwart honour, strength, determination and leadership have played the main part in leading this team to success. And he has always been a good friend to me, personally."

The conversation paused as they heard Haley's voice drifting in from somewhere in the woods. "No, that's a wasp's nest. I think I'd better check it out later, it could be really dangerous. It's not like it's likely to be full of gold pieces and I want to keep them to myself."

As the distant sound of buzzing and Belkar screaming and cursing and Haley laughing faded away, Elan resumed the conversation.

"And Haley and Durkon?" he prompted.

"Miss Starshine is my best friend, and has blossomed into a respected leader in the time we've been apart." 

"Oh, no, it's plants that blossom, not humans," corrected Elan. "Don't feel bad, I get that confused all the time."

"And Durkon is, uh, was much better than myself at seeing what was truly important when we were separated. And even now is helping the rest of the party, helping Roy," Vaarsuvius said. "It's not as if you might expect that wizardry would help understand a magical weapon," they added with frustration.

"There, there, V. It's ok. You can be useful even when you can't fix everything with magic."

There was a long silence. "Can I, though?" asked Vaarsuvius.

"Of course you can. I do!" Elan looked at Vaarsuvius' doubtful silence. "You do! You explained the random encounter blackboard, you keep Haley happy, you defeated Zz'dtri without any of your magic. You taught me a lot about illusions, you know, you're an awful lot more patient when you're teaching someone."

Vaarsuvius contemplated that thoughtfully. They'd always put their faith in their mastery of magic, the idea that they might be good at other things as well wasn't one they were well versed in. Indeed, even with their relationship with Inkyrius which they'd been so confident in for so long, once cracks had started showing, Vaarsuvius had reacted as though Inkyrius loved them for their fame and ability, not their tenderness and parenting, and only invested more effort in the former attributes, not the latter ones. If only they'd-- Vaarsuvius hunched over in some long-overdue sobs.

As they looked up again, they saw Elan patiently holding a clean white handkerchief out to them. They tried to apologize, but Elan waved it away. "It's ok to cry, V. It doesn't matter why. Why, the other day, I trod on a snail, and cried like anything and Haley said it was ok and that I was a very sensitive person."

Vaarsuvius nodded sadly. "I wish I could-- not make amends, but do things better."

"I feel like that all the time," said Elan.

"Indeed."

"But maybe you can do better now," prompted Elan. "You were amazing at saying nice things about people, just try, you know, saying some of those things to them in person like you did with me, instead of only saying mean things."

"Uh. I was meaning to make a start on that."

"Well, do it, then. Make a start!" urged Elan. "It's like Haley says to me, meaning to do something is good, but actually doing it is important too."

Yes, Vaarsuvius had experienced many, many of Elan's promises to remember something vital. But now the wizard -- very cautiously -- was beginning to accept the idea that the bard might actually be better at reaching, and being aware of, his limits.

* * * *

Haley and Belkar were exploring the top of a small hillock, when Belkar pointed to a rock nestled in a hollow at the base of a gnarled tree. On closer inspection, it wasn't a rock, but a bear cub with moss in place of fur, hibernating peacefully.

"Look, XP," exclaimed Belkar, moving forward drawing his daggers.

Haley grabbed the back of his jerkin, yanking him back. "You're a ranger, Belkar! You can't just murder animals for the XP. You probably won't even get any, it's pretty small."

"Nothing to be gained by trying, though, right?" Belkar inched forward again.

"Oh god, slaughtering cubs? You really are such a--" They both froze as the ground trembled under them.

"We need to get away," hissed Haley urgently, pulling on Belkar's arm, but he pulled back just as hard, putting them in danger of toppling over.

"Oh, sure. Just like we needed to come scouting, and like there were gold pieces in that wasp's nest. Fool me three times, shame on me."

"No, seriously. This isn't a hilarious Belkar gets injured thing, it's a both of us get chewed up and swallowed and shat out thing."

"Sure, toots. It's just a--" The ground shook again.

"You see the little bear? It looks like a rock, except it breathes very slowly. You see the humongous rock we're standing on, the size of a hill, that's breathing very slowly..."

Belkar's eyes lit up. "A bear hill! Think of the XP..." his voice trailed off dreamily.

"Oh no, no way. We need to clear off," urged Haley, trying to drag Belkar gently away down the slope. "That's a boss battle, we didn't prepare for a boss battle and... it's rather unsporting to try to kill it in its sleep."

* * * *

"And Belkar is very... um," Vaarsuvius tried. "The old me would have said 'entertaining'. Well, I respect his fighting prowess. Although I'm not sure I want to tell him so."

"There, there, V. Don't try too hard to be nice to someone who doesn't care. That's what Haley always says to me."

Vaarsuvius shrugged. "Well, actually, I was really thinking about Blackwing, not Belkar. My familiar raven," they added pointedly, for despite having related his help against Xykon several times already the rest of the party still seemed to forget his existence. "He helped me so much, after I ignored him for so long. I want to be nicer to him, but I don't exactly know how."

"How nice were you to him before?" asked Elan without apparent guile.

"...not very, I'm reluctantly forced to admit."

"Well, then being nicer should be easy," chirruped the bard. "Almost anything nice you do will be an improvement," he explained optimistically.

"Yes, thank you, Elan," sighed Vaarsuvius. "I know. But I don't know how to talk to him about what happened, every time I try I keep thinking of more problems."

"Then maybe you should do less thinking?" suggested Elan helpfully.

"Maybe I should. OK, let me talk to him--"

"Wait!" interrupted Elan. "He's been here all along, right. But we just haven't been noticing him?"

"That's a laudably succinct summation, yes."

"But don't just interrupt. It's night. He might be sleeping! Or... having a bubble bath."

"A... bubble bath? On my shoulder? Without me noticing?"

"Yes."

"But, he's never sleeping. Let alone bathing. He's always just around when I want him."

"OK, but wouldn't it be nicer for him if sometimes he was?" suggested Elan.

"And you think he might just happen to be sleeping now, right when I want to talk to him?"

"Well, it would be appropriate, wouldn't it?" asked Elan.

"...good point. Let us see." Vaarsuvius turned his attention to his shoulder, where indeed Blackwing had been slumbering unnoticed all through the adventure since he'd disposed of Xykon's phylactery.

"And have you been feeding him regularly?" asked Elan.

"No!" protested Vaarsuvius. "I don't need to. He's quite capable of subsisting on foraged, um... worms? Corpses? The things ravens naturally eat."

"Well, did you offer, then?"

"No," admitted Vaarsuvius.

"But if you have a pet, you're supposed to feed them. It's nice!"

"...I suppose you might be right."

"Not now!" hissed Elan. "If he's asleep you shouldn't wake him up."

"Yes, I had deduced that for myself, even before you mentioned it earlier. But I will... offer him food, and thank him for his help when he awakes."

"Well done, V."

"Thank you, Elan. That has helped a fair bit, in truth. Although I wish there was more I was doing actually helpfully this evening. Would you in fact like any advice about illusions?"

"Oh yes! Thank you, V," said Elan. "Shall I try some?"

"Actually, stay yourself momentarily and let us consider the matter first. Of your illusions, which have been the most successful?"

"Uh, the celestial lion was a good one. And disguising myself, and, summoning a horde of angry island orcs?"

"Then considering the underlying commonalities between those is likely to--" Vaarsuvius broke off for a moment, considering the bard next to them. With some effort, they turned the advice they'd just given back on themselves, and when they'd tried to explain plans to non-wizards. "That is, if I were in your position, I would try to understand the parts of the problem intellectually and build up a robust framework with which to generalize further improvements. As, in fact, you helped me begin with my research project for Vaarsuvius 2.0."

"That doesn't sound like me."

"Indeed, that is exactly the insight I am endeavouring to expound. Perhaps choosing one of your hitherto-propitious spell-craft images, recapitulating it, and then critiquing the most prominent deficiencies and iterating perturbations to the base concept to ameliorate them, would be an expedient way to increase your facility, and play to your strengths of intuition over thought."

"That sounds good, V".

"Well?"

"Oh, were you suggesting I do something? I have no idea what you just said."

"Your illusion of a horde of orcs was good. Why don't you try that now and see if we can see any ways you could improve it further?"

"Oh yeah, good idea V." Elan stood up and called across to Roy and Durkon. "Hey guys! I'm going to make an illusion of a horde of angry orcs. Don't get scared!"

* * * *

Over the next hour or so, Roy practised withholding and releasing his emotions under Durkon's guidance, and managed to activate his sword a couple more times. Elan practised the orc illusion. V was impressed, it was actually very convincing, although it fell apart when Elan tried to get it to do anything other than rampage after an imaginary fleeing party. Apparently Elan had an artist's eye for detail as long as he could just copy something exactly and didn't need to improvise at all. Instead, they'd discussed different opportunities where Elan might be able to use it effectively.

And then the two companionable practice sessions were interrupted as Haley and Durkon came running back through the trees shouting.

"This is it! Roy, Elan honey, we're on. Random encounter!"

"Life sucking undead underground tree attack! Bristles Mc-Turn-Undead, get ready to earn your keep!"

"Everyone watch your feet, they try to grab your ankles!"

The larger part of the party sprang to their feet, bringing weapons to the ready. Here and there about them, the loam in the forest floor stirred, and the darkness coating the forest floor, wavering in the dim light from the camp fire, began rising out of the ground like mist, carrying twigs and small bones up with it to form grasping shadowy negative-energy wood spirits with bones of leaf litter and flesh of shadow, reaching for the living beings in front of them.

Haley and Durkon pounded into the middle of the clearing, and the party fell into a loose ring facing outward.

Vaarsuvius whispered to Elan. "Try plan Long-Lost-Twin, as soon as Durkon starts casting."

Durkon brought out his holy symbol of Thor, which began to glow with undead turning energy, and a dusk wight forming within the circle shrivelled and evaporated, hissing in pain and frustration. Elan cast an illusion, and a second armoured hammer-wielding Dwarf appeared in the middle of the party copying Durkon's action. A second dusk wight beginning to form saw the illusion "turning undead" and dodged sideways, right into the glow of the real Durkon's holy symbol, and rapidly retreated back under the earth, reforming outside the ring. "Elan is handling our rear, get your hammer out and get stuck in", urged Vaarsuvius, to Belkar's non-concealed mirth, and Durkon turned his attention back to the encroaching undead.

The flock of dusk wights in the clearing drifted towards the party and they rallied to face the attack. Roy whirled his blade menacingly, shouting "Come and get some, you nether suckers!" and green energy crackled threateningly off it on cue.


End file.
